THE WEST WING
¡°LIES, DAMN LIES, AND STATISTICS¡±
WRITTEN BY: AARON SORKIN
DIRECTED BY: DON SCARDINO
TEASER
FADE IN: INT. JOSH¡¯S BULLPEN AREA - NIGHT
Opening shot of a clock on the wall: 7:05. The camera pans down
to Donna and Josh
walking through.
DONNA
They got to start the poll, Josh. It¡¯s 7:05.
JOSH
It¡¯s ten to seven.
DONNA
No, it¡¯s really not.
JOSH
It¡¯s 7:05?
DONNA
Yeah.
JOSH
That¡¯s ridiculous.
DONNA
I¡¯m not making it up.
JOSH
My watch says ten to seven.
DONNA
That¡¯s ¡®cause your watch sucks.
JOSH
My watch is fine.
DONNA
Your watch says ten to seven.
JOSH
How do I know it isn¡¯t ten to seven?
DONNA
¡®Cause those large clocks on the wall that are run by the U.S.
Navy, say your watch
sucks. In fact, they say your watch sucks in four different time
zones.
Josh and Donna pass by C.J.¡¯S OFFICE. Toby is razzing C.J.
TOBY
Question six is asymmetrical.
C.J.
Question six is fine.
TOBY
"Would you say things in this country are going in the
right direction or do you think
they¡¯ve gotten off on the wrong track?"
Josh and Donna double back to C.J.¡¯S office and stand at the
door.
JOSH
He¡¯s got a good point about this.
C.J.
No, he doesn¡¯t.
DONNA
Guys, you know it¡¯s five after seven.
TOBY
Should be right direction or wrong direction.
C.J.
Toby.
TOBY
Direction and track are two different words!
C.J.
Thank you, Funk and Wagnall¡¯s.
They all leave C.J.¡¯s office. Bonnie and Ginger are with them.
TOBY
What¡¯d she call me?
GINGER
Funk and Wagnall¡¯s. They make the dictionary.
TOBY
I know who Funk and Wagnall¡¯s are.
BONNIE
They why¡¯d you ask her?
Everyone starts heading out into the HALLWAY.
DONNA
Guys, it¡¯s five after seven.
TOBY
The question is asymmetrical.
C.J.
That may be so, but the question originated 2 decades ago and
has proven to be a
consistent predictor of a voter¡¯s potential behavior. So it
stays the way it is.
JOSH
I have a problem with fourteen.
C.J.
What¡¯s your problem?
JOSH
"When making policy decisions, do you think that President
Bartlet puts the needs of
average people first?" "Average people" is a
pejorative phrase and occurs about six
times in the polling model.
C.J.
This may come as a shock to you, but 80% of the people in this
country would use the
word "average" to describe themselves. They do not
find the term deprecating. Indeed,
being considered an "average American" is something
they find to be positive and
comforting.
They all walk into THE ROOSEVELT ROOM. Leo, Larry, Ed and
several other staffers are
inside. Leo is reading a piece of paper. Toby sits next to him.
LEO
C.J.
C.J.
Yes.
LEO
[reads] "Jed Bartlet cares about people like me."
C.J.
Leo, we went over this.
TOBY
We need to talk about the asymmetry of question six.
C.J.
We really don¡¯t.
TOBY
Since when are you an expert on language?
C.J.
In polling models?
TOBY
Okay.
C.J.
1993. Since when are you an uptight pain in the ass?
TOBY
Since long before that.
LEO
"Jed Bartlet cares about people like me. Agree or
disagree?"
C.J.
Again, we went over this.
LEO
Can¡¯t "people like me", when read off the script, be
taken to mean people like the
interviewer?
ED
When we ask that question, we usually say, "People like
yourself."
LARRY
Or "people like you."
ED
I¡¯ve seen it both ways.
LEO
Fellas.
LARRY
"Yourself" is a little softer.
ED
And softer is bad?
LARRY
Softer is better.
LEO
But the point is....
C.J.
The respondent isn¡¯t confused by the question and separating the
respondent from the
interviewer with "people like yourself" is pejorative.
So, Ed, Larry, you can take this
up with Josh. Leo, Eastern Standard Time is sitting down to
dinner. The poll is fine.
JOSH
It¡¯s an important poll, C.J.
C.J.
I¡¯m aware of its importance. I¡¯m also aware that if we don¡¯t
start the phone banks
right now, I might not have enough time to leak the internals to
media outlets before
we hit the weekend.
TOBY
There¡¯s still the matter...
C.J.
So, it turns out that over the last 3 weeks we managed to climb
out of the hole, only
we can¡¯t tell anybody about it ¡®til Monday, cause we stood here
all night arguing about
asymmetry! [sighs] It¡¯s time.
LEO
Anybody want to make a prediction?
ED
We¡¯ll hold at 42% job approval.
LARRY
We¡¯ll hold steady.
JOSH
I¡¯ll be happy if we hold steady.
TOBY
We¡¯ll drop a few points, but it¡¯ll be inside the plus or minus.
LEO
C.J.?
C.J.
We¡¯re going to go up five points.
LEO
The President thinks we¡¯re going to hold steady.
C.J.
The President is wrong.
LEO
You think?
C.J.
Yes.
LEO
Let¡¯s find out. Toby, tell Sam to start the banks.
Toby picks up the phone and pushes a button.
CUT TO: INT. PHONE BANKS - NIGHT
Sam and Mandy are standing wait. Sam¡¯s cell phone rings.
SAM
[into phone] Sam Seaborn... Okay. [to Mandy] Let¡¯s get our
report card.
Mandy walks inside the phone bank area.
MANDY
Okay! Here we go!
SMASH CUT TO: MAIN TITLES.
END TEASER
* * *
ACT ONE
FADE IN: INT. COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE - NIGHT
MONDAY NIGHT
3 HOURS INTO POLLING
Sam appears. Ginger and Bonnie are inside.
GINGER
Hey, Sam.
SAM
Hey, Ginger.
BONNIE
How¡¯s it going in there?
SAM
I popped Mandy with my tranquilizer gun. She¡¯s doing fine.
GINGER
Bonnie wanted to know why it takes 48 hours.
SAM
We need 1500 responses.
BONNIE
It takes 30 people, 48 hours to make 1500 calls?
SAM
It takes them about 12 hours to make 1500 calls. We need 1500
responses, which means
we need to make 6000 calls.
TOBY
[enters] Sam.
SAM
Yeah.
BONNIE
Only 1 in 4 people don¡¯t hang up?
SAM
That¡¯s if you¡¯re lucky.
Toby and Sam enter TOBY¡¯S OFFICE. Sam shuts the door.
TOBY
The G.W. Law School graduation is tomorrow.
SAM
Yeah.
TOBY
Were you going to go see your friend?
SAM
Laurie?
TOBY
Yeah.
SAM
I wish you¡¯d call her Laurie.
TOBY
Were you going to see her graduate Law School tomorrow?
SAM
Yeah.
TOBY
You can¡¯t.
SAM
Okay.
TOBY
I really do believe Steve Onorato knows and he¡¯s...
SAM
Yeah.
TOBY
He¡¯ll try and use it to embarrass us.
SAM
Okay.
TOBY
They may know who this girl is. They know she¡¯s graduating Law
School tomorrow. They know
it¡¯s someplace you¡¯ll likely to be. Maybe they¡¯ll want to snap a
picture. Maybe...
SAM
Laurie.
TOBY
What?
SAM
You called her "this girl."
TOBY
Sam, you can¡¯t.
SAM
I said okay, Toby. Do you see me arguing with you?
TOBY
No.
SAM
Anything else?
TOBY
Nope.
SAM
Biggest day of her life. Huge day. She put herself through Law School
and I know that
there are people in South Carolina that don¡¯t like how she did
it.
TOBY
Not just South Carolina, Sam.
SAM
Then in both Carolinas, Toby. Though, I never understood what
the hell business it is...
TOBY
You can¡¯t go, Sam.
SAM
I¡¯m not going.
TOBY
Thank you.
Sam leaves.
CUT TO: INT. LEO¡¯S OFFICE - NIGHT
Margaret comes in and closes the door. Leo is inside.
MARGARET
Leo.
LEO
Is he here?
MARGARET
Yeah.
LEO
Wait in here for a minute, then go back out and send him in.
MARGARET
Okay. Why do you want me to wait in here?
LEO
Cause I do.
MARGARET
Okay. [waits a little] It feels weird not doing anything.
LEO
Yeah.
MARGARET waits a bit longer, looking around the room.
MARGARET
It feels weird, you know, ¡®cause the instinct...
LEO
Okay! Go out and send him in.
MARGARET
Okay. [leaves]
Leo gets up to greet his guest, BARRY HASKEL.
LEO
Barry.
BARRY HASKEL
Yes.
LEO
Leo McGarry.
BARRY
Barry Haskel.
LEO
Good to meet you.
BARRY
Mm-hmm.
LEO
Is this your first time in the White House?
BARRY
This is my first time in the West Wing.
LEO
You¡¯ve been on the Federal Election Commission for nine years
and no one has ever invited
you to the White House?
BARRY
Not to the West Wing. There have been... I go to the annual
Christmas party at the O.E.O.B.
and the last Christmas the Vice President stopped in for a
moment and it was very nice.
LEO
Barry. [motions for Barry to sit]
BARRY
Mm-hmm. [sits down]
LEO
I wanted to talk to you about Campaign Finance Reform and
specifically soft money
contributions.
BARRY
Right. I had a hunch. Could I possibly have a glass of fruit
juice?
LEO
Are you thirsty?
BARRY
I¡¯ll be perfectly honest, Mr. McGarry. This is the first time
I¡¯ve been called to the
office of the White House Chief of Staff.
LEO
You¡¯re a little nervous.
BARRY
You know you walk past a dress Marine when you come in here?
LEO
Rodney.
BARRY
I didn¡¯t catch his name, but...
LEO
Rodney¡¯s great. [calls] Rodney!
RODNEY
[enters] Yes, Mr. McGarry.
LEO
Could you do that thing you were doing before?
Barry raises a hand to decline. Rodney goes through a little
drill with his rifle, ending
with a loud thump that makes Barry jump a little.
LEO
Thanks, Rodney.
RODNEY
Anytime sir. [leaves]
LEO
It¡¯s amazing, and that rifle¡¯s really loaded, too.
BARRY
Mr. McGarry.
LEO
Call me Leo.
BARRY
Leo.
LEO
There¡¯s no need to be nervous, Barry. We know you¡¯re one of us.
BARRY
I¡¯m sorry?
LEO
I say, we know you¡¯re one of us. Six Commissioners on the F.E.C.
Two just resigned, leaving
four, including you. The belief has always been that none of the
four of you favor a ban on
soft money contributions. But the truth is, you do.
BARRY
That¡¯s not true.
LEO
Yes, it is. And the way that I know that it is is cause you said
so. You said so to the
Newark Star Ledger on March 13, 1995, "Money isn¡¯t
speech." And you said so two years before
that to the Detroit Free Press, "We must reverse the 1978
Regulatory decision allowing soft
money."
BARRY
Those quotes were anonymous.
LEO
Not anymore.
BARRY
I gave those quotes on the condition of anonymity.
LEO
Hey, I know how you feel. I went to drug rehab on the condition
of anonymity. Maybe you
read about it in the papers.
BARRY
Look.
LEO
Barry, Barry! You want to ban soft money. You¡¯re one of us.
You¡¯ve been outed.
BARRY
It never made much... being out numbered 5 to 1 on the F.E.C....
it never made much sense
to me to swim against the grain. I would¡¯ve been...
LEO
I understand.
BARRY
I would¡¯ve been irrelevant. It made...
LEO
Plus, you would¡¯ve had a hard time getting re-upped by the
Senate when your term expired.
BARRY
Exactly!
LEO
On the other hand, if we hadn¡¯t gone out and found ya, you
probably never would have been
invited to the White House.
BARRY
See now... when I got the call from your office, my wife and her
friends said this is what
was going to happen.
LEO
What¡¯s that?
BARRY
That you were going to use the trappings of the White House.
That there was going to be a
sort of, um... intimidation.
LEO
No one¡¯s intimidating you, Barry. You¡¯re with us. You were
wandering for years in the
darkness, but we came and found ya. And welcome back to the
pack.
BARRY
Coercion, then? And I notice that I¡¯m sitting here, in the Chief
of Staff¡¯s office and with
all the trappings of the White House...
LEO
[chuckling] Barry.
BARRY
...and my wife and her friends say it¡¯s not uncommon for people
to get light-headed, and
star struck, and I¡¯ve heard the same thing from other people.
LEO
Nonsense. Let me show you around the place. [gets up from his
chair]
BARRY
If I could just get a glass of water.
LEO
No problem, we keep it in here.
Leo opens door to THE OVAL OFFICE. He and Barry enter. Bartlet
is with some guests and
they¡¯re all sharing a good laugh.
LEO
Mr. President, I¡¯m so sorry to interrupt.
BARTLET
Not at all, we¡¯re just having a nightcap.
LEO
I¡¯d like you to meet Barry Haskell from the F.E.C.
BARTLET
Oh, may I present Treasury Secretary, Kenneth...
KENNETH
Ken Kato, how are you?
BARTLET
Mr. Attorney General.
DAN
Dan Larson.
BARTLET
Our CIA Director, Rob Conrad.
ROB
It¡¯s good to see you.
They each shake hands with Barry.
BARTLET
Barry, I¡¯m Jed Bartlet. I understand you¡¯re thinking about
helping us out. It makes me
so happy. [shakes Barry¡¯s hand]
BARRY
It¡¯s an honor to meet you, Sir.
BARTLET
Well, let¡¯s get him a drink.
Barry tries to wave off the offer.
LEO
[to Barry] They¡¯ll take good care of you. [turns to go back to
his office]
BARTLET
Leo... [walks towards Leo]
ROB [OS]
Come on, sit down and have a drink with us.
Bartlet and Leo stand near the door, whispering.
LEO
Just put him in the boat.
BARTLET
This could all be for nothing.
LEO
Yeah.
BARTLET
I mean, if the numbers... [points downward]
LEO
Yeah.
BARTLET
Did we start?
LEO
We put the polling in the field 3 hours ago.
BARTLET
All right. Did the guys make any predictions?
LEO
No, I didn¡¯t ask.
BARTLET
Yes, you did.
LEO
They think we¡¯re going to hold at 42. Toby thinks we drop a few
points but inside the margin.
BARTLET
It could be worse.
LEO
Yeah.
BARTLET
I mean it could be worse than holding at 42.
LEO
Yeah.
BARTLET
¡®Cause if these numbers keep going down, I¡¯m just a guy with
Barry Haskell in his office.
LEO
I¡¯ll stop back in ten minutes.
BARTLET
A dress Marine guarding your door?
LEO
Too showy?
BARTLET
Nah... My thing is, what¡¯s he suppose to be guarding right now?
LEO
I¡¯ll be right in here. [points to his office]
BARTLET
Thanks.
LEO
Thank you, Mr. President. [heads back into his office]
CUT TO: INT. LIBRARY - NIGHT
We see Laurie and her friend, JANEANE, sitting at a long table
with books scattered about.
JANEANE
You are graduating tomorrow and...
LAURIE
Shhhhh...
JANEANE
[lowers voice] You¡¯re graduating tomorrow...
LAURIE
Janeane.
JANEANE
...and yet, you¡¯re in a library studying.
LAURIE
There¡¯s something called the Bar Exam.
JANEANE
Oh, are you taking it tonight?
LAURIE
No...
JANEANE
Well, then let¡¯s go out.
LAURIE
Just give me ten more minutes.
A cell phone rings.
JANEANE
Oh god, is that me?
LAURIE
That¡¯s me. [rummages in her bag]
JANEANE
See the advantages of being a waitress?
LAURIE
You don¡¯t have to take the Bar Exam?
JANEANE
That¡¯s right.
LAURIE
You¡¯re not going to be a waitress forever.
JANEANE
Answer your phone.
LAURIE
[into phone] Hello.
SAM [VO]
Are you in the library?
LAURIE
It¡¯s you.
CUT TO: INT. SAM¡¯S OFFICE - NIGHT
Sam is in his office.
SAM
You¡¯re in the library the night before?
LAURIE [VO]
3 years of Law school. I do not understand real estate.
SAM
Nobody does. Listen...
CUT TO: INT. LIBRARY - NIGHT
LAURIE
You can¡¯t come tomorrow.
SAM [VO]
No.
LAURIE
I understand.
SAM
There¡¯s a reason to believe a staffer in the Majority Leader¡¯s
office knows about you.
He knows that I know you and he¡¯s probably known the information
for some time, but is
waiting for the moment when the information can cause the most
trouble.
LAURIE
And that moment¡¯s now?
SAM [VO]
Yeah.
LAURIE
It¡¯s okay.
SAM
No, it¡¯s not okay, but...
LAURIE [VO]
Baby, don¡¯t guilt yourself over this. I know you¡¯ll be thinking
about me.
SAM [VO]
I will. You go knock ¡®em dead, tomorrow.
LAURIE
Okay.
SAM [VO]
Okay.
LAURIE
[hangs up] He can¡¯t make it.
JANEANE
Yeah, I kinda guessed.
LAURIE
Don¡¯t worry about it.
JANEANE
That¡¯s right. It¡¯s your week.
FADE OUT.
END ACT ONE
* * *
ACT TWO
FADE IN: INT. COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE - DAY
TUESDAY MORNING
13 HOURS INTO POLLING
Sam enters. Bonnie and Ginger are inside.
SAM
You know what¡¯s fun?
BONNIE
What?
SAM
The Potomac in the morning.
GINGER
Yeah?
SAM
Jogging around the Potomac or sculling.
GINGER
Were you jogging this morning? [hands Sam a cup of coffee]
SAM
No.
BONNIE
Were you sculling?
SAM
No. I was sitting on a bench having a bagel, but from where I
was, both jogging and
sculling looked good to me.
Sam goes into his office as Toby comes out of his office.
TOBY
Bonnie.
BONNIE
Yeah.
TOBY
I need you to arrange a meeting with Ross Kassenbach.
BONNIE
For when?
TOBY
As soon as possible. Also, I need the next two minutes the
President¡¯s got.
SAM
[pops out of his office] Found one?
TOBY
Yeah.
SAM
What?
TOBY
Ambassador to the Federated States of Micronesia.
SAM
Is that a real country?
TOBY
Yup.
SAM
The Federated States of Micronesia?
TOBY
Yes.
SAM
¡®Cause it sounds like a place the Marx brothers would...
TOBY
Real country.
BONNIE
Toby.
TOBY
Yeah.
BONNIE
The President¡¯s got two minutes in about two minutes.
TOBY
[to Sam] Come with me for this.
Toby takes off. Sam hurries after him.
CUT TO: INT. OUTER OVAL OFFICE - DAY
Bartlet and C.J. are walking and enter through the colonnade to
the residence.
Charlie is inside.
BARTLET
Based on what?
C.J
Sir.
BARTLET
Based on what is he making that claim?
C.J.
Based on the memo....
BARTLET
We¡¯ve been out there for three weeks.
CHARLIE
Good morning, Mr. President.
BARTLET
Good morning, Charlie.
C.J.
Morning.
C.J. high fives Charlie as she walks by. C.J. and Bartlet enter
THE OVAL OFFICE.
BARTLET
We¡¯ve been... we¡¯ve been out there for three weeks. Crossfire,
Meet the Press, Charlie
Rose, The Today Show, The Tonight Show, Good Morning
Scottsdale...
C.J.
Sir.
BARTLET
...Time, Newsweek, Popular Mechanics. We¡¯ve been out there
saying we¡¯re not talking about
legalization. We are talking about treatment.
C.J.
There¡¯s a memo. It¡¯s the same memo that¡¯s been generated by
every administration for
thirty years.
BARTLET
Well, how do you want to handle it?
C.J.
By saying it¡¯s the same that¡¯s been generated by every
administration for thirty years.
BARTLET
I don¡¯t know. It sounds like we¡¯re soft on the issue.
Toby and Sam enter.
TOBY
Good morning, Mr. President.
SAM
Good morning, sir.
BARTLET
Steve Onorato is saying I want to legalize drugs.
SAM
That¡¯s the exact same memo that¡¯s been generated by every
administration for thirty years.
C.J.
That¡¯s...
TOBY
C.J., that¡¯s exactly what you should say.
C.J.
Thanks.
BARTLET
Hmmm... Leo was in here last night. He said you guys predicted
we¡¯d hold steady at 42.
Were you just being optimistic or you really think we held our
ground.
TOBY
I said we might drop a couple, but inside the margin.
SAM
I think we held our ground.
C.J.
I didn¡¯t say that sir.
BARTLET
Sorry?
C.J.
I didn¡¯t say we¡¯d hold steady at 42, Mr. President. I said we¡¯d
gain five points.
BARTLET
Yeah?
C.J.
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
Well, okay. Anybody want to offer C.J. the odds?
Everyone keeps quiet.
BARTLET
[to C.J.] Talk to the press.
C.J.
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
Tell them every administration for the past thirty years has
generated that memo.
C.J.
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
That¡¯s it.
C.J.
Thank you, Mr. President. [leaves]
BARTLET
[closes the door] Thank you. [to Toby and Sam] What do you got?
TOBY
The Federated States of Micronesia.
SAM
Toby says it¡¯s a country.
BARTLET
[sits down with a cup of tea] It is a country. You know where?
TOBY
I assume it¡¯s a small island in the South Pacific.
BARTLET
It¡¯s actually 607 small islands in the South Pacific.
Interestingly, while its total
land mass is only 270 square miles, it occupies more than a
million square miles of the
Pacific Ocean. Population is 127,000 and the U.S. Embassy is
located in the state of
Pohnpei and not, as many people believe, on the island of Yap.
TOBY
Why would a person have that information at their disposal?
BARTLET
Parties.
TOBY
Uh sir.
BARTLET
I looked at the Federated States of Micronesia. I can¡¯t fire our
ambassador.
TOBY
Why not?
BARTLET
Somebody¡¯s going to ask me why I fired him and I¡¯m not gonna be
able to come up with
the answer they¡¯re looking for.
TOBY
Well, Sam¡¯s got you covered.
BARTLET
How?
SAM
You¡¯re not going to fire the ambassador. You¡¯re going to promote
him.
BARTLET
To what?
SAM
Ambassador to Paraguay.
BARTLET
And what happens to the ambassador of Paraguay?
SAM
You make him ambassador to Bulgaria.
BARTLET
Hey, I like this. Of course, if everybody keeps moving up one,
then I get to go home.
SAM
The Bulgarian ambassador is believed to be having an affair with
the daughter of Prime
Minister, Toder Lukanov.
BARTLET
That ambassador is Ken Cochran, isn¡¯t it?
TOBY
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
He¡¯s having an affair with the daughter of the Bulgarian Prime
Minister?
TOBY
Who, the State Department, is saying is upset.
BARTLET
I can imagine.
SAM
Do you know him, sir?
BARTLET
Prime Minister of Bulgaria?
SAM
Ambassador Cochran.
BARTLET
I know his wife.
SAM
Ouch.
BARTLET
I got to fire Ken Cochran?
TOBY
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
All right, then I don¡¯t want it to be because of the girl.
SAM
Why not?
BARTLET
I know his wife.
TOBY
We can create legitimate grounds for incompetence.
BARTLET
Well, it looks to me like there are legitimate grounds for
incompetence, but... come up
with different ones, would you?
TOBY
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
All right, let¡¯s do it.
TOBY and SAM
Thank you, sir. [both leave]
BARTLET
Charlie!
CHARLIE
[enters] Yes, sir.
BARTLET
I need to meet with Ambassador Cochran. He can be found in his
office at the U.S Embassy
in Bulgaria, or not. Either way, I¡¯d like the State Department
to put his ass on a plane
and have it in this office tomorrow.
CHARLIE
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
Thank you.
CHARLIE
Is that Ken Cochran, Mr. President?
BARTLET
Yeah.
CHARLIE
Okay.
BARTLET
What?
CHARLIE
I¡¯m sorry, sir?
BARTLET
It looked like when I said "Ken Cochran", that you
knew who he was.
CHARLIE
No sir.
BARTLET
Okay.
CHARLIE
Thank you, Mr. President. [leaves]
CUT TO: INT. JOEY¡¯S OFFICE AREA - DAY
Josh and Joey are arguing. Kenny interprets.
JOSH
They might put it on the table.
JOEY [KENNY]
They won¡¯t put it on the table.
JOSH
They might...
JOEY [KENNY]
They won¡¯t. [pushes Kenny aside]
JOSH
I¡¯m saying if they do put it on the table...
JOEY [KENNY]
They won¡¯t.
JOSH
Is there any possibility you¡¯re going to let me finish a
sentence? Is there any chance
at all that that¡¯s going to happen?
JOEY [KENNY]
You don¡¯t have to raise your voice to me.
JOSH
How the hell do you know if I¡¯m raising my voice to you?
JOEY
I guessed! [smirks]
JOSH
You¡¯re here to give me a counter argument on English as the
official language of the
United States. You are not here to speculate on whether or not
the Republicans are going
to put the issue on the table.
JOEY
Okay!
JOSH
Good!
Joey signs something to Kenny.
JOSH
What¡¯d she say?
KENNY
They won¡¯t.
JOSH
Okay, look...
DONNA
[stops by] Josh.
JOSH
What?
DONNA
You wanted me to let you know when C.J. started talking about
the drug memo.
JOSH
C.J. started the briefing already?
DONNA
A half hour ago.
JOSH
The briefing is not supposed to start ¡®til eleven.
DONNA
Guess what?
JOSH
My watch sucks?
DONNA
Yes, indeed.
JOSH
[to Joey] Okay, I¡¯ll be back and when I get back, you¡¯re going
to argue with me and we¡¯re
going to argue about the things I want to argue about and you¡¯re
going to do your best not
to annoy me so much.
JOEY [KENNY]
It¡¯s almost hard to believe you¡¯re not married.
JOSH
Oh-ho-ho! [shakes head] Many have tried.
Josh and Donna walk off.
JOSH
Did Toby find a country?
DONNA
The Federated States of Micronesia.
JOSH
Is that a real country?
DONNA
Yes, it¡¯s located 2500 miles southwest of Hawaii where you¡¯ve
never taken me.
JOSH
When was I supposed to take you to Hawaii?
DONNA
Anytime. It¡¯s something bosses do.
JOSH
The Federated States of Micronesia.
DONNA
They have some of the best scuba diving in the world.
JOSH
Okay.
DONNA
The Mantas, for instance, on the island of Yap, are prized among
those who...
They enter JOSH¡¯S OFFICE.
JOSH
Stop talking, now. [turns on TV]
C.J. [T.V.]
...with the point being that the Mandatory Minimum sentencing
guide lines apply to crack
cocaine as opposed to powder cocaine are fairly transparently
racist.
DONNA
A guy takes his assistant on a quick trip to Maui. It¡¯s not like
unheard of.
JOSH
Shhhh...
CUT TO: INT. THE BRIEFING ROOM - DAY
C.J. is doing the briefing.
REPORTER
C.J.
C.J.
Hang on, Mandatory Minimums requires a federal judge to sentence
anyone convicted of
possessing five grams of crack to at least five years in prison.
It takes 100 times as
much powder cocaine and 20 times as much heroine to get that
sentence. 70% of all drug
users are white. 80% of crack users are black. Federal Mandatory
Minimums for crack
users are a war on the black community.
Clamoring for C.J.
C.J.
Danny.
DANNY
Is the White House making a crusade on defending the rights of
drug users?
C.J.
Oh please. Katie, you have a question.
KATIE
Do you have any...?
DANNY
Hang on C.J. I was asking...
C.J.
The White House is committed to reversing the devastating
affects of drug abuse in our
society. We believe the best way to do that is to treat drug
addiction as what the AMA
has said it is, which is a medical problem. We do not believe in
a phony war on drugs.
The chief accomplishment of which would be to either kill or
incarcerate black drug users.
REPORTER
C.J., are you aware that Steve Onorato...
C.J.
Steve Onorato is saying the White House supports legalization?
REPORTER
Yes.
C.J.
How surprising that in the midst of an important debate the
President would be accused
of being soft on drugs. Steve Onorato has a memo written by the
Assistant Surgeon General.
I¡¯d be happy to produce similar memos written for every
President in the last thirty years,
including four Republicans. That¡¯s all, thank you everybody.
More clamoring for C.J. as she leaves the podium. Danny rushes
after her into the HALLWAY.
DANNY
Hi. There wasn¡¯t, I don¡¯t think, a huge reason to snap at me.
C.J.
It was a ridiculous question.
DANNY
No, it wasn¡¯t.
C.J.
Is the White House crusading for the rights of drug users? You
know that¡¯s not what I meant.
DANNY
I do know that¡¯s not what you meant, but I don¡¯t count on
everybody always understanding
what the hell comes out of your mouth, when I can¡¯t even do it
half the time.
C.J.
Oh, so you were just helping out.
DANNY
Yes, and you can¡¯t stay pissed at me forever.
C.J.
Let¡¯s find out.
DANNY
Mandy¡¯s thing went away, C.J. You see anybody writing about it?
You hear anybody talking
about it? Is there really a need to continue punishing me for
something I...?
C.J.
Hang on.
They stay silent until they walk into C.J.¡¯S OFFICE. Danny is at
C.J.¡¯s heels as she
closes the door.
C.J.
They talk about it here, Danny. They talk about it here.
DANNY
And they blame you?
C.J.
They don¡¯t say it.
DANNY
But they blame you.
C.J.
Yes.
DANNY
And you think you¡¯ve let them down.
Knock on the door. Carol pops her head in.
CAROL
C.J., you¡¯re late for the G-7 briefing.
C.J.
[to Danny] I have to go back to work.
DANNY
Okay. [leaves]
CAROL
C.J?
C.J.
Call the phone banks, check in with the poll.
CAROL
I checked in with the poll half hour ago.
C.J.
Check again. [leaves her office]
FADE OUT.
END ACT TWO
* * *
ACT THREE
FADE IN: EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT
TUESDAY NIGHT
27 HOURS INTO POLLING
CUT TO: INT. LEO¡¯S OFFICE - NIGHT
Leo is on his couch working. Margaret enters and shuts the door.
MARGARET
Leo.
LEO
Yeah?
MARGARET
C.J.¡¯s here.
LEO
Okay.
MARGARET
Want to hear a joke?
LEO
[looks up] Uh... Okay.
MARGARET
You know why they only eat one egg for breakfast in France?
LEO
Why?
MARGARET
¡®Cause in France, one egg is an ¡®oeuf.¡¯ [beat] Okay, C.J.¡¯s
here.
LEO
Okay.
Leo looks warily puzzled at Margaret as she leaves. C.J. comes
in.
C.J.
Hi.
LEO
Hey.
C.J.
The lid is on.
LEO
You told me.
C.J.
Hmm?
LEO
You called me an hour ago and told me it was a full lid.
C.J.
Yeah... I¡¯m going to the phone banks to check in with the poll.
LEO
Okay.
C.J.
Leo, this is a small thing and I hate to bring it up.
LEO
What?
C.J.
I was in with the President this morning, AND he mentioned that
you told him that when
you asked for predictions, everyone said we¡¯d hold steady at 42.
LEO
Yeah?
C.J.
But, I didn¡¯t say that. I said we¡¯d go up five points.
LEO
I meant in general, on average.
C.J.
Yeah.
LEO
C.J., like lopping off the score from the East German judge.
C.J.
Leo, it wasn¡¯t woman¡¯s intuition. I think it¡¯s strange....
LEO
Don¡¯t read too much into it.
C.J.
I¡¯m saying its strange my take wasn¡¯t...
LEO
I¡¯m saying don¡¯t read too much into it.
[beat] All right?
C.J.
Okay.
LEO
Anything else?
C.J.
No, I¡¯m going to check the phone banks.
CUT TO: INT. CENTRAL PHONE BANKS/NATIONAL STRATEGIES GROUP -
NIGHT
Joey and Josh are arguing, while Mandy is sitting nearby looking
somewhat tired, bored,
and thoroughly fed up with Josh and Joey. Kenny interprets.
JOSH
Theodore Roosevelt said...
JOEY
Josh!
JOSH
Let me tell you what Theodore Roosevelt said.
JOEY
Okay.
JOEY [KENNY]
What do I care what Theodore Roosevelt says?
JOSH
Because the Republicans are going to bring it up.
JOEY [KENNY]
The Republicans aren¡¯t going to put it on the table.
JOSH
He said, "We have room for but one language here, and that
is the English language.
For we intend to see that the crucible turns our people out as
Americans, and not as
dwellers in a polyglot boarding house."
KENNY
What kind of boarding house?
JOSH
Polyglot. It means... ah... having knowledge of or speaking...
JOEY [KENNY]
I know what ¡®polyglot¡¯ means.
JOSH
They why did you ask me?
JOEY
[indicating Kenny]
He asked you!
JOSH
My point is...
MANDY
Will the two of you shut up, or the three of you. However many
of you are talking, could
half of you stop?
JOSH
Mandy¡¯s wound a little tight during polling windows.
C.J.
[enters into the area] What are you all doing here?
JOSH
Here¡¯s another laid-back member of our team.
C.J.
What are you all doing here?
JOSH
Mandy¡¯s here cause she¡¯s suppose to be. Joey¡¯s here because Al
Kiefer told her to stop by...
C.J.
And what are you doing here?
JOSH
I¡¯m kind of in charge of morale.
C.J.
Josh.
JOSH
The calls are going great.
C.J.
I¡¯m trying to meet a deadline, Josh. I¡¯ve got a 48-hour window
and you can¡¯t stand here
distracting the female callers.
JOSH
[to the room] Have I been distracting the female callers?
WOMEN
No.
C.J.
Josh.
JOSH
Not even a little bit?
C.J.
This is what I¡¯m saying.
JOSH
The window¡¯s fine. It¡¯s a good response rate. They¡¯re making
their quotas. Stop bothering me.
C.J.
Did Josh mention he¡¯s in charge of morale?
JOSH
Yes, I am. And as such, I¡¯m going out to get coffee for everyone
¡®cause a few hundred
volts of caffeine is just what the doctor ordered around here.
[to Joey]
And you should¡¯ve been more impressed that I was able to quote
Theodore Roosevelt.
JOEY [KENNY]
I was impressed that you knew what ¡®polyglot¡¯ meant.
JOSH
760 S.A.T. word, baby. [exits to get coffee]
CUT TO: EXT. A TREE LINED STREET - NIGHT
Laurie and Janeane are walking, laughing, and drunk. Sam is
waiting nearby on a set of stairs.
SAM
You are both drunk and disorderly.
LAURIE
Oh my God.
SAM
Happy graduation.
LAURIE
How did you...?
JANEANE
Surprise!
LAURIE
Janeane?
SAM
We worked in cahoots.
JANEANE
We did.
LAURIE
You planned this? This is why you dragged me back to your
apartment.
JANEANE
Oh, are you glad that I dragged you back to my apartment?
LAURIE
Yes.
JANEANE
Well then, be quiet, and I¡¯ll be upstairs.
Janeane takes a champagne bottle from Laurie and heads up the
steps to her door.
SAM
Good night, Janeane.
LAURIE
Good night, Janeane. [to Sam] What¡¯d you get me?
SAM
A graduation gift.
LAURIE
Is it a briefcase? Did I just ruin it? I only asked because a
briefcase is the typical
law school graduation gift, and when I said ¡®typical¡¯, I don¡¯t
mean boring. I just mean
basic, and when I say basic, I don¡¯t mean boring, either.
Sam hands her a small long box.
SAM
Open the box.
LAURIE
You bought me a pen?
SAM
It¡¯s a good one. It writes upside down and you can use that pen
in outer space.
Laurie chuckles and closes the box.
LAURIE
Where¡¯s my present?
Sam reaches into a bag on the steps and pulls out a briefcase.
Laurie is stunned.
SAM
Happy graduation, counselor.
LAURIE
Thank you.
Sam hugs Laurie.
SAM
Way to go, Laurie.
LAURIE
Thank you.
We cut to a view through a camera viewfinder as someone takes a
couple pictures of
Sam and Laurie hugging each other.
SAM
I have to go. You spending the night here, or are you going to
take off?
LAURIE
No, I¡¯m going to go upstairs to Janeane¡¯s. She¡¯s got a...
A car starts up and squeals away.
SAM
Did you see anybody get into that car?
Laurie and Sam stare down the empty street.
FADE OUT.
END ACT THREE
* * *
ACT FOUR
FADE IN: EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE - DAY
WEDNESDAY MORNING
36 HOURS INTO POLLING
CUT TO: INT. C.J.¡¯S OFFICE AREA - DAY
Sam is waiting outside. Toby comes out of C.J.¡¯s office. Toby
and Sam head to see
the President.
TOBY
He¡¯s ready to see us.
SAM
What¡¯d he say?
TOBY
He said, "Get your ass over here."
SAM
I¡¯ve drafted a letter of resignation.
TOBY
Well you¡¯re not going to give it to him, Sam, because that would
deny me the pleasure
of throwing you out through a plate glass window.
SAM
You have every right to say that.
TOBY
Thank you for acknowledging that right.
SAM
Toby...
TOBY
I should keep you on a leash, you know that?
They run into Leo.
SAM
Leo...
LEO
I¡¯m talking to C.J., then I¡¯m talking to you.
TOBY
Ten-foot chain around your neck. I bolt you to your desk and
have someone come in and
feed you.
CUT TO: INT. C.J.¡¯S OFFICE - DAY
C.J. is at her desk on the phone.
C.J.
[into phone] I¡¯m going to check, but I¡¯m almost certain the
President was referring to
the NASDAQ composite and not the 30-year Treasury yield.
[listens] Not the DOW Industrials, the NASDAQ composite.
Leo barges into C.J.¡¯s office and slams the door, startling C.J.
C.J.
[into phone] Okay, someone here is going to get back to you.
[hangs up]
LEO
How do you not tell me until this morning?
C.J.
Leo...
LEO
How do you not call me last night?
C.J.
We didn¡¯t know anything last night. [stands up]
LEO
Sam called you.
C.J.
That¡¯s right. He met the girl and saw a suspicious car. I¡¯m not
going to call up the
White House Chief of Staff in the middle of the night because
someone started a car.
LEO
C.J., if it was...
C.J.
I was handling it, Leo. It took me three hours to confirm there
was a picture, and
another hour to find out who has it.
LEO
Who has it?
C.J.
The London Daily Mirror. They paid a waitress friend of hers
$50,000 to set it up and
confirm that she was a call girl.
LEO
When is it running?
C.J.
It¡¯ll run later today. American Press has it tomorrow morning.
LEO
He was giving her a graduation present?
C.J.
Yeah.
LEO
Work the Post and the Times.
C.J.
Yeah.
Leo leaves as C.J. sits back down in her chair in relief.
CUT TO: INT. THE WHITE HOUSE PORTICO - DAY
Sam, Toby, and Bartlet are walking and enter through one of the
glass doors.
BARTLET
You never paid this girl to have sex?
SAM
No sir.
TOBY
They didn¡¯t have that kind of relationship, sir. Except once,
and that time he didn¡¯t
know what was happening.
BARTLET
Well, that makes two of us.
TOBY
Mr. President, Sam has always been completely above board about
his relationship with Laurie.
BARTLET
Laurie¡¯s the girl?
SAM
Yes, sir.
TOBY
He told us about it right after his first contact with her nine
months ago. The fact that
she was putting herself through law school, under circumstances
that were less than good,
has to mean something, as is the fact that Sam¡¯s word is
unimpeachable.
BARTLET
Toby, are you in here sticking up for Sam?
TOBY
I know it¡¯s strange, sir. But I¡¯m feeling a-a... certain big
brotherly connection right
now. You know, obviously, I¡¯d like that feeling to go away as
soon as possible. But for
the moment, I think there¡¯s no danger in the White House
standing by Sam and aggressively
going after the people who set him up.
Sam looks at Toby a bit stunned.
BARTLET
[big sigh] Sam, you¡¯re going to spend the morning in the White
House Counsel¡¯s office
finding out if you¡¯ve broke any laws.
SAM
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
You should also call the girl... what¡¯s her name?
SAM
Laurie.
BARTLET
You should call her and tell her the White House deeply regrets
the phenomenal inconvenience
she¡¯s about to experience.
SAM
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
You might also want to point out to her that she probably has a
cause of action against
the paper.
SAM
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
And you should tell her that if she passes her Bar exam, the
U.S. Attorney General will
personally see to it that she¡¯s admitted to the Bar.
SAM
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
Tell her the President of the United States says congratulations
on getting her degree.
SAM
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
That¡¯s all.
SAM
Thank you, Mr. President.
Sam, still stunned beyond belief, leaves THE OVAL OFFICE.
BARTLET
It¡¯s nice when we can do something for prostitutes once in a
while, isn¡¯t it?
TOBY
Yes, sir.
CHARLIE
[enters] Mr. President.
BARTLET
Are we ready to go?
CHARLIE
Ambassador Cochran¡¯s in the Mural room and Ted Mitchell¡¯s
waiting outside.
BARTLET
Where are we putting Lobell and his people?
CHARLIE
In the Roosevelt room.
BARTLET
He¡¯s going to have a lot of staff with him.
TOBY
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
I don¡¯t know what any of them do, but there they are where ever
Lobell goes, 14-15 guys....
CHARLIE
Mr. President.
BARTLET
I¡¯m going to take care of this first and I¡¯ll see you across the
hall.
TOBY
Thank you, Mr. President. [leaves]
BARTLET
Who¡¯s in the Mural room?
CHARLIE
Ken Cochran.
BARTLET
You did it again.
CHARLIE
I¡¯m sorry, sir?
BARTLET
When you said the name ¡®Cochran¡¯, it was like you knew him.
CHARLIE
No, sir.
BARTLET
I have a sense about these things.
CHARLIE
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
A finely honed sense.
CHARLIE
It¡¯s failing you at the moment, sir.
BARTLET
Cochran¡¯s in the Mural room?
CHARLIE
Yes sir.
BARTLET
Why don¡¯t you go sit with him and send in Ted Mitchell.
CHARLIE
Yes sir.
BARTLET
Thank you.
SECRETARY
[enters] Mr. President.
BARTLET
Yes, of course. [takes a pen and signs something] Thank you.
SECRETARY
Thank you, sir.
She leaves as TED MITCHELL enters.
BARTLET
Ted.
TED MITCHELL
Mr. President.
BARTLET
Thank you for coming.
They hug.
TED
Oh, it¡¯s my pleasure.
BARTLET
You¡¯re looking good.
TED
Oh, I feel good.
BARTLET
How is Mary?
TED
She sends her love. [sits down]
BARTLET
All right, listen. I have something to do in the next room. Let
me just tell you that
I need a favor.
TED
Oh, of course, sir.
BARTLET
I need you to hire a guy.
TED
Who, sir?
BARTLET
A former ambassador to Bulgaria.
TED
Who is that, sir?
BARTLET
Ken Cochran.
TED
Well, isn¡¯t Ken Cochran the current ambassador to Bulgaria?
BARTLET
Not for long. Look, he¡¯s a good man, a smart man; I think he¡¯d
make a very good corporate
officer.
TED
Why is he being fired, sir?
BARTLET
Gross incompetence. I¡¯ll be right back.
He leaves a confused Ted sitting in the Office.
Bartlet walks through the OUTER OVAL OFFICE. Nancy walks in.
NANCY
Good morning, sir.
BARTLET
Good morning, Nancy.
NANCY
Senator Lobell¡¯s in the Roosevelt room.
BARTLET
Yeah, I¡¯ll be right in.
He opens the door to THE MURAL ROOM. KEN COCHRAN and Charlie had
been waiting inside.
KEN COCHRAN
Mr. President.
BARTLET
Ken.
They shake hands.
COCHRAN
It¡¯s good to see you again, sir.
BARTLET
Thank you for flying in on such short notice.
COCHRAN
Of course, Mr. President. What can I do for you?
BARTLET
Resign.
COCHRAN
Excuse me?
BARTLET
You¡¯ve been having an affair with the daughter of the Prime
Minister and that doesn¡¯t
work for me. But neither does the newspaper article saying
you¡¯re having an affair with
the daughter of the Prime Minister. So, I need you to resign.
You¡¯re going to get a job
offer from Ted Mitchell for a lot more money than you¡¯re making
now, that¡¯s why you left
the Embassy. I¡¯ll be back in a minute.
Bartlet leaves. Charlie closes the door.
COCHRAN
Well, this is outrageous.
He wipes his face and hands nervously with a handkerchief.
COCHRAN
This is outrageous and I¡¯ll explain that to him when he comes
back in here.
CHARLIE
Yes, sir.
COCHRAN
Have we met?
CHARLIE
Sir?
COCHRAN
You look very familiar to me. Have we met?
CHARLIE
Yes, sir.
COCHRAN
Where?
CHARLIE
I was a waiter at the Gramercy club.
COCHRAN
Charlie?
CHARLIE
Yes, sir.
COCHRAN
Charlie!
CHARLIE
Yes, sir.
COCHRAN
It¡¯s good to see you again. [goes to shake Charlie¡¯s hand]
CHARLIE
Yes, sir.
COCHRAN
Under strange circumstances, which when the President comes
back, I¡¯ll explain....
CHARLIE
Yes, sir.
COCHRAN
I resigned my membership in that club, by the way.
CHARLIE
Did you?
COCHRAN
Oh yeah. I find exclusive clubs to be repugnant.
CHARLIE
I couldn¡¯t help but notice that didn¡¯t stop you from joining up
in the first place.
COCHRAN
Now, that¡¯s out of line. That¡¯s out of line and that shouldn¡¯t
have been said. And you¡¯ve
forgotten that you¡¯re addressing an U.S. Ambassador.
CHARLIE
I apologize, sir.
COCHRAN
I¡¯m sorry to do this, but I¡¯d like to speak to your supervisor.
CHARLIE
[looking perplexed] Well, I¡¯m personal aide to the President, so
my supervisor¡¯s a little
busy right now looking for a back door to this place to shove
you out of. But, I¡¯ll let
him know you¡¯d like to lodge a complaint.
BARTLET
[comes back in] Thanks for waiting.
COCHRAN
Mr. President. Clearly this young man, who works for you, has
told you something about
our past, and I¡¯d like to say here and now...
BARTLET
It doesn¡¯t have anything to do with... Oh, wait a second. You
two have a past?
CHARLIE
Sir?
BARTLET
You mocked my finely honed sense.
CHARLIE
Yes sir.
BARTLET
You stood there in my face...
COCHRAN
Sir.
BARTLET
It¡¯s done Ken. Ted Mitchell¡¯s going to put you on the Board of
Directors, and please
remember that I have a lot of affection for your wife, and I
would hate to see her be
made a fool of.
COCHRAN
I think it would be appropriate at this time, Mr. President, to
make a confession.
BARTLET
What¡¯s that?
COCHRAN
[smuggly] I never voted for you.
BARTLET
Well, thanks for trying, but here I am anyway. Got to go.
Bartlet leaves into the HALLWAY. He heads for THE ROOSEVELT
ROOM, where Toby is waiting
outside.
TOBY
All set?
BARTLET
Look at that. 14 staffers in there.
TOBY
You have quite a huge staff, too, Mr. President.
BARTLET
Yeah, but I don¡¯t walk around with them, you know?
Both enter. MAX LOBELL is waiting inside with a number of his
staffers.
BARTLET
Good morning.
MAX LOBELL
Good morning, Mr. President. Please allow me to introduce Bob
Simon, Peter Rapman....
BARTLET
Max, I don¡¯t need to know all the names. It¡¯s okay. Please, sit
down.
LOBELL
All right then.
BARTLET
You know what we¡¯re doing here, right?
LOBELL
We¡¯re going to talk about soft money.
BARTLET
We¡¯re going to do more than talk about it.
LOBELL
Okay.
BARTLET
We agree on nothing, Max.
LOBELL
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
Education, guns, drugs, school prayer, gays, defense spending,
taxes, you name it,
we disagree.
LOBELL
You know why?
BARTLET
¡®Cause I¡¯m a lily-livered, bleeding-heart, liberal, egg head,
communist.
LOBELL
Yes, sir. And I¡¯m a gun-totin¡¯, redneck son-of-a-bitch.
BARTLET
Yes, you are.
LOBELL
We agree on that.
BARTLET
We also agree on campaign finance.
LOBELL
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
So, Max.
LOBELL
Yes, sir?
BARTLET
Let¡¯s work together on campaign finance.
LOBELL
You don¡¯t have the votes in the House.
BARTLET
I don¡¯t need them. 1978, the FEC voted a regulatory rule that
opened the door to soft
money. The FEC can close it again with 4 of the 6 votes. We
don¡¯t need a law.
LOBELL
And how are you going to get the four votes?
BARTLET
Two seats opened up, I nominated Bacon and Calhoun.
LOBELL
That¡¯s two.
BARTLET
Barry Haskel was with us already. We took him out of the closet.
LOBELL
How are you going to get the 4th seat to open up?
BARTLET
Toby¡¯s going to take care of that right away. Max, can I count
on your support to confirm
my candidates?
LOBELL
And what do I get in exchange?
BARTLET
[beat] The thanks of a grateful President.
LOBELL
Good answer, sir.
BARTLET
[to Toby] Go.
Toby leaves.
BARTLET
[to Lobell] Thank you.
They shake hands.
CUT TO: INT. COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE - DAY
TOBY
[enters] Mr. Kassenbach.
HENRY KASSENBACH
Yeah.
TOBY
Hi, I¡¯m Toby Ziegler. [shakes Kassenbach¡¯s hand]
KASSENBACH
Very nice to meet you.
TOBY
The President thinks you¡¯ve done an excellent job on the Federal
Election Commission
and would like to extend his warmest congratulations.
KASSENBACH
On what?
TOBY
On being named the next ambassador to the Federated States of
Micronesia.
FADE TO: EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT
WEDNESDAY NIGHT
POLLING COMPLETE
CUT TO: INT. C.J.¡¯s OFFICE - NIGHT
C.J. is staring out her window as Josh enters her office.
JOSH
It¡¯s in.
C.J. turns away from the window.
C.J.
Yeah.
JOSH
You¡¯ve talked to them?
C.J.
They sealed it in an envelope, sent it by courier.
JOSH
So, Joey mentioned she talked to you.
C.J.
Yeah.
JOSH
She said, "You think you only have so many times left you
can walk into the Oval Office
and sing a song."
C.J.
She said, "Sing a song"?
JOSH
No, that¡¯s what I thought she said. I¡¯m trying to pick up some
sign and right now we¡¯re
doing it by letters of the alphabet. So I had Kenny come over
and interpret it, and it
turns out she said "you think you only have so many times
left you can come into the
Oval Office and say you¡¯re wrong."
C.J.
He hasn¡¯t been calling my number that much, Josh.
JOSH
He did on this. This last three weeks, the media strategy was
yours.
C.J.
I know.
JOSH
You should listen to Joey. Holding at 42 is a good number. You
shouldn¡¯t expect a
five-point bump.
C.J.
I do expect it.
JOSH
Okay. [beat] He thinks of you like a daughter, C.J.
C.J.
That¡¯s not a good enough reason to keep me here.
JOSH
You¡¯ll come as soon as you get it?
C.J.
Yup.
JOSH
Cause we¡¯re all waiting over there.
C.J.
Yeah.
Josh leaves.
CUT TO: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT
Bartlet, Leo, Toby, Sam, Joey, Kenny, and Mandy are all waiting.
LEO
They¡¯re delivering it to her?
MANDY
Yeah.
LEO
And she¡¯s going to bring it right here.
MANDY
Yeah.
LEO
Okay.
Long silence as Charlie comes in. He gives Bartlet a cup of
coffee.
BARTLET
Kassenbach was okay?
TOBY
I¡¯m sorry, sir?
BARTLET
Kassenbach was okay?
TOBY
He¡¯s gonna be an ambassador; he feels pretty good.
BARTLET
Did you tell him about the weather?
TOBY
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
Scuba diving?
TOBY
[chuckling] Yes, sir.
BARTLET
Full diplomatic immunity?
TOBY
Yes sir. Though, there really aren¡¯t a... a lot of laws in
Micronesia, sir.
BARTLET
Sure.
JOSH
[enters] Good evening.
BARTLET
Good evening, Josh.
JOSH
I just saw C.J. She¡¯ll be here with it in a minute.
LEO
Okay.
JOSH
Joey and I have been working on a counter argument to Alexis de
Tocqueville.
BARTLET
We¡¯re having a fight with Alexis de Tocqueville?
JOEY [KENNY]
Mr. President, please don¡¯t get him started.
JOSH
Joey, what say you to the position that with ethnic warfare
spreading around the globe,
and in particularly in Eastern Europe, it¡¯s only a matter of
time before it reaches our
shores and making English the official language of the United
States will safeguard
against the destruction of our national identity and help us
avoid ethnic strife? What
say you to that?
Joey blows a big raspberry.
JOSH
You see that? That¡¯s what I¡¯ve been dealing with all week.
JOEY [KENNY]
Mr. President, 72% of Hispanics are strongly opposed to such a
law. The Republicans will
never put it on the table because they¡¯ll risk losing the second
largest ethnic block of
voters in the country. But if you need a counter argument, then
I¡¯d mention to Monsieur
de Tocqueville, over here, that aside from it being bigoted and
unconstitutional, it¡¯s
ludicrous to think that laws need to be created to help protect
the language of Shakespeare.
JOSH
Okay, that¡¯s all I was looking for, that one line. Took you four
days.
Joey blows a big raspberry again.
JOSH
She did it again.
BARTLET
Yeah.
Joey sits back smugly. Another long silence.
BARTLET
What kind of briefcase did you get her, Sam?
SAM
Sir?
BARTLET
What kind of briefcase?
SAM
Coach Beekman in British tan with brass hardware.
BARTLET
That¡¯s nice.
SAM
Yes, sir.
BARTLET
Andare makes a nice model. Comes in black or brown, hand
stained, fit a laptop, notebooks,
the works.
TOBY
This conversation is surreal.
BARTLET
Trieste in Milan makes a nice briefcase.
C.J. quietly enters with an envelope in her hands and makes her
way across the room to
Bartlet.
C.J.
Good evening, Mr. President. The full polling book is 400 pages
long and it¡¯s still
being put together. I have the top sheet results.
LEO
What does it say?
C.J.
I was wrong. We went up nine points.
C.J. smiles. Leo smiles and starts to laugh, but catches
himself. There are smiles all around.
BARTLET
Okay, what¡¯s next?
LEO
We should talk about the new projections.
Everyone starts talking at once.
DISSOLVE TO: END TITLES.
FADE TO BLACK.
THE END
* * *
The West Wing and all its characters are properties of Aaron
Sorkin, John Wells
Production, Warner Brothers Television, and NBC. No copyright
infringement is intended.
Episode 1.21 -- ¡°Lies, Damn Lies and Statistics¡±
Original Airdate: May 10, 2000, 9:00 PM EST
Transcript By: Susan Chang